A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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