actually, I'm a sock model
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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