Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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