That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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