So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
