Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
