my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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