blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
