you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
