just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
