tonight lets celebrate not being married
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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