i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
this is an emotional support booty call
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
