I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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