brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
