Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
