Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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