if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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