My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
