Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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