i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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