I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
