I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
