why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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