my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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