wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
