Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
