end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
