Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
