OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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