I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
