I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
