Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
