Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
