I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
