My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
