I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How external is "for external use only"?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
