Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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