Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
and she was petting her beer can
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
