so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
