I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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