Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
