how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
