Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
