Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
