I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
