new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
