Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
