I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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