omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
