hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
