I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
