my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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