My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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