I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
